quincy moonbeams and the ululating tzatziki

What would you do if you received a message from an alien superintelligence, via a tray of tzatziki, warning you that the Earth was in grave danger?

Our hero Nigel Spleen is trying and failing to get some breakfast (again) when that half-baked halfwit Duncan Doesn't turns up, lures Nigel into a VTOL-capable pub and drags him into the outer thermosphere. This is where Nigel learns about his mission: a Very Big Thingy is about to crash into the Earth, and the tzatziki overmind has selected him to find some way to stop it. Nigel is thus forced to address the above question, along with other, more profound, questions that such a situation would naturally give rise to.

On his mission, Nigel, along with the crew of the Septic Carbuncle, journeys to the Large Magellanic Cloud, sits in a bowl of Vaffazzatan Hyperbeetroot stew with an alien who reminds him of a bloke he knows from Solihull, falls through a plot hole, meets someone made entirely from mozzarella, consults The Economist Style Guide to clarify whether 'anteater' is technically a rhyme for 'plant-eater', is ordered to dress someone as a garden gnome and call them Denis Thatcher, fights a Quasivasectomied Querulous Etterkop, listens to the audiobook version of A Concise History of Proctology, briefly becomes half man half tzatziki, solves the mystery of Chekhov's cucumber, learns the truth behind Balzak the Boar (and his alien superweapon the drinking straw of death), and confronts his arch-nemesis the irascible, boorish and supremely abusive Malevolent Taramasalata.

"100%* guaranteed to be the funniest book you ever read**, or three times*** your money**** back."

*±100%

**Provided no other books are read

***The same monies shall be handed over and returned three times

****Was yours, now ours